Additionally, I am learning that job searching, at least searching for jobs that will pay back my substantial student debt and afford me enough money to live (without saving or living a very high quality life) is difficult. Yes indeedy! I probably spend about 2 hours every day searching for jobs only to find one or two which are plausible solutions. Which is fine because filling out the applications takes about an hour and a half for each application anyway! But that’s all fine. It’s at least beginning to yield some results.

I thought I was getting close to getting published and recently got smacked back down again- that’s rejection- but I feel like I’m getting somewhere. Slowly, very slowly. Conferences are coming up and if I put in enough work on my submission to Literacy UK it is possible I might get published there, and if I can budget some time for submissions then hopefully it’ll slowly get going again. It takes time but its important.

The older I get, and I’m now nearly 23 (eek!!!) the more I want to achieve something with my life. But where does that fit in? And how can I make it all work together?

Friday; start work 7am-12 noon. Break.  Start trial shift 5pm-4am.

Saturday; start work 6pm-12 midnight.

Sunday; start work 7:45am-1:20pm. Break.  Go out at night from 9pm through 3am.

Monday; start work 7am-12 noon. Break. Interview 2:30pm. Break. Class presentation meeting 4pm. Break. Assignment due sometime today… um…?

This is while I’m meant to be reading several novels and preparing 3 essays, one for a little thing called my PhD application.  And trying to get a new visa.  And waiting to hear back about a literary agency.  And, oh yeah, just another small thing.  Did I mention I set my hair on fire on Friday?

Yes, impressive, I know.  I’m pretty impressed with myself if I’m being totally honest.  Yeah.  Rockstar.

So about now, half 6pm, my bed is looking very comfortable even though I know I’ve got tons to do.  Bed looks good.  Sleep sounds nice.  Walking sucks.

Sleep.  Hmmm.  I’ll keep dreaming to get that lucky.

And I’m beginning to think this isn’t such a good thing.  I know I’ve got to make up for 3 years of never going out, and I know I’m only 22, but this is a little over my head.  I don’t know.  I’m beginning to think I’m not made for shit like this.

Everything else in life is chugging along.  Apparently my undergrad degree ceremony is this Wednesday, which I’ve heard absolutely nothing about until now, so that’s pretty awesome… I’m guessing I won’t be walking!  The visa crap still goes along, just waiting for papers and hoping to God to pass this time.  If not, I have a feeling I’ll be getting deported, which would really REALLY suck!

Life.  Its crazy…

But I can’t stop. I can’t stop writing and its swelling up to larger size, taking over my life. I’ve got to be up in 5 hours to go to work again (just got back) and don’t have time to be writing but I can’t seem to stop myself.  I can’t go to sleep until its out of me, purged like the foreign body it isn’t, and this is almost painful.  Laying in bed just makes my hands itch for the keyboard.

Sometimes being creative sucks.

I suppose Lacan would say, well, the only way something’s good enough is if you can’t get it.  Look, your job you just left sucked and you wanted to stab yourself in the eye rather than do it.  You got this job and liked it for, maybe, 2 seconds, then you found a flaw in that.  Too early starts in the morning (well, can you blame me?  Sometimes 5:30, when its a half hour from my home, and let’s face it I’m a university student and don’t often go to sleep at a reasonable time…).  Lacan would say, stop caring.  Stop caring and stop doing and accept.  Fall into nothingness and be content.

Hah.  Lacan, you are a prat (even though I’ll be referencing you for my PhD essay). I refuse to submit to the pressures of our day and age.  I will have a better quality of life, and I will be happy with it.  One way or another.

The point of all this is to learn to be alone, to learn how to live on my own.  I want to be self-sufficient and independent.  I want to be good at being by myself.  And I think, sometimes, that I am.  Then out of nowhere, for no reason, I feel sad and get lonely.

I imagine a time when everything will be better, when I’ll be happy, when everything will be perfect, but I don’t know if that will ever happen.  I think maybe enjoying life is work.  It takes effort.  You have to really work to be happy and not lonely.  Even when you’re in a relationship.

Maybe I’m wrong.  I’m just saying.

Them’s the breaks, kid, right?  We can’t be strong all the time.  Everyone gets lonely sometimes.  Right?  I sure hope so.

Really, that’s about all for here.  Maybe I’ll be witty or funny later this week… We can all hope.

I’m beginning to feel really dehydrated.  My throat’s swollen so big that I can’t move my face from side to side without pain and I literally cannot bear swallowing.  Yesterday I tried to go to the doctor but they were like, oh, come back tomorrow.

So again, after not sleeping and eating, I’m going to the doctor today.  I’m going to have to ask for pain meds or an IV drip because I’m so thirsty its terrible.  When I gargle with salt water and rinse with clean, the way the water tastes in my mouth is like heaven.  I never even liked drinking water before but now I want it so badly.  All I think about it water.

When I gargle it it’s so cold and refreshing, clear, pure, like it would act as a purifying force from the inside.  I want it.  I want it, I want it, I want it.  But swallowing is literally so painful that I don’t think I get half of what I drink anyway, as I spit the other half up.  Already I’ve lost 4 kilos.

I’m going to cry at the doctors today.  Please, please, please, give me pain meds or put me on an IV or both.  It hurts so badly.

• it’s the first week and they provide us a very time-consuming assignment,
• the assignment has to be posted where other postgrad students will see and comment on it,
• and I think I may have completely lost the plot with it.

Due to having to go sort out my visa and having to work, I steamed ahead with the little bit of time I had available (approximately half the time of everyone else).  What I didn’t realise at the time was that I automatically began using a literature review style.  Yes, a literature review format.  And what did everyone else use?  An annotated bibliography or bibliographical essay format.

Now I only noticed this after I posted mine.  Anyway I’ve only got another 5 hours I could have posted it during, and trust me, I am not sharp enough after working all day yesterday to pull myself together and fix it at this point in that amount of time.  Not if I want to be a semi-respectable piece of academic work.

Now this assignment is only a pass/fail mark, but I really, sincerely don’t want to fail or look completely inadequate in front of my peers, particularly since I already feel massively inadequate around them anyway. They’ve all come from pure English degrees and understand all the technicalities surrounding English literature.  I don’t.  I’ve got my little field of interest, and I know nothing about anything else.

The panic has officially set in and I don’t like it one bit.  Not one bit at all.  God help me.